one night

Long day and I'm ready, I'm waiting for your call
'Cos I've made up my mind
My heart aches with a hunger and the want that you were mine
No I cannot deny
So for one night
is it alright
That I give you..

My heart..my love..my heart
Just for one night
My body..my soul
Just for one night
My love..my love
For one night..one night..one night


When morning awakes me
Well I know I'll be alone
And I feel I'll be fine
So don't you worry about me
I'm not empty on my own
For inside I'm alive
That for one night
it was so right
That I gave you...

My heart..my love..my heart
Just for one night
My body..my soul
Just for one night
My love..I loved
For one night..one night..one night



i - profile
lie - entries
u - links, archives, other bloggers
cry - tagboard

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

again
by jennifer lopez

Like an angel out the sky you came
Clearing up all the clouds, the sadness and the rain
So pure and healing was the love you bring
I knew inside... (it felt so right)

For me, I've struggled all my life
To find that thing that makes it right
With you it seems I may have found
Some other kind of love

I will love you all my life
Always be by your side
And I will give you all I have
'Cause you gave me peace and joy
Again,
again,
again...

I was scared to let go and trust your love
After what I've been through I had had enough
Whispering through your eyes, you never said a word
But something said... (your hearts safe)

For me, I've struggled all my life
To find that thing that makes it right
With you it seems I may have found
Some other kind of love

I will love you all my life
Always be by your side
And I will give you all I have
'Cause you gave me peace and joy
Again,
again...

(instrumental break)

A friend is what you'll always have in me
I'm so grateful for the man you turned out to be
And it doesn't matter who you happen to meet
You'll forever be... (a sacred part of me)

I will love you all my life
Always be by your side
And I will give you all I have
'Cause you gave me peace and joy
Again, again, again...



i want a man to call my own. i want someone special. i know i am dependent on some one. but that is the only way i can feel sane these days. i miss her so much. but i cant be with her because of me. yup. how silly is tt. i want to sing this song to someone. i miss SAM!!!!!!! sam.. i love you.. i miss u sam...

--insignificant lies--
12:00 am

Monday, September 29, 2003

yo.. me in sch now. the whole day lots of weird things going thru my head. oh well. me feel soo bacinfied.

anyways i need to comment on yesterday's episode of ER.

it was the bomb. gosh now i know why i love alex kingston. she's the bomb. ohh... wow...

she looked really sick yest. n the anger she showed n the sadness my goodness it was like so amazingly wow. haha i cant stop saying wow. could it have been any better. haha.. it was like wow. haha.. wow wow wow. the feeling shown by alex kingston.. ooh wow... haha.. i liked the last part when she n mark were hugging. so touching sia. then she was crying. then he was crying. i just dunno why tragedy after tragedy must occur to them. is it just like some kind of curse or something? yup.. definite curse.

ooh i suddenly started typing in chinese there for a minute. wat the hell..haha.. then maluate my self cos i didnt know how to change it back. then this hockey guy told me how to change it. then the weirdest thing is tt i dunno his name but he noes mine.. hmm... tt always happens to me.

haha...


anyways... i love ALEX KINGSTON!!

now u ppl know why my nick is always alex_kingston. i worship the grd she walks on sia. haha... :)

--insignificant lies--
2:54 pm

Sunday, September 28, 2003

dear u...


it was once that i thought i could have you. i kept it in my heart. i kept it in my soul. i wore in on my wrist. on that bracelet i gave you. that was what kept me going strong. made me run to you. made me come to you. made me fall at your feet. made me want to kiss you. made me want you completely.

but now i cant even be near you. cos being near you makes me realise im not worthy. cos being near you makes me realise im just another face. another story. another life. one that holds no meaning. one that cant even touch you. one you can't see in your eyes.

i never made any promises. i never said i would love you till the end of time. i'm glad i didn't say all those things. because im not a hypocrite. i never said that i would be there for you forever. i never said such things. at least i tell the truth. at least im true to myself. so here is me telling you that i have to leave you. because i am afraid. because im frightened what my love for you might do to me.

and if i feel any regret. if i feel any pain. then it would only be my fault. my regrets. n i'll swallow it down. cos i can't bear to see you hurt me. i can't bear to think of you as a bitch. so there my memories with you shall stay. happy. light. me hugging you. us playing a fool. entertaining ourselves with stupid stories. stupid games. let them remain that way.

one day we might be friends again. if we are not then its ok. if its awkward for you i will understand. maybe what u say is right. friendship is not like a jigsaw puzzle. but friendship is not built on false hopes n promises. so please don't hate me. cos i will never hate you. shut me somewhere deep in your heart. and remember me on fine days. forget me on others.

all the best to you. may all your wishes and dreams come true. all i can do now is pray for the best for you. don't forget your dreams. don't forget god.

god bless. thanks for everything.

yours,
me

Saturday, September 27, 2003

"Here's Where I Stand" Lyrics

Here in the dark
I stand before you
Knowing this is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start
This is the start

I have so much to say and I'm hopin'
That your arms are open
Don't turn away, I want you near me
But you have to hear me

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be
Here's who I am, I'm what you see

You said I had to change and I was tryin'
But my heart was lyin'
I'm not that child any longer
I am stronger

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Help me to move on but please don't tell me how
I'm on my way, I'm movin' now

In this life we've come so far
But we're only who we are
With the courage of love
To show us the way
We've got the power to stand up and say

Here's where I stand
Here's where I am
Stand up and be counted, I'm counting on you
If you're with me
We'll make it through

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Love me, love me, love me and we'll make it through
Here's where I stand
Baby, baby, baby I'm counting on you

Here's where I stand
Love me, love me, love me and we'll make it through
I'm counting
I'm counting
I'm counting, I'm counting on you

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.


Dependent
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.

i am kinda unable to really express wat i have to say abt this whole feli situation.

i just hope she receives it with more maturity and see that this is for the best. how can u be frens with someone u love?
its impossible because u will always have hopes. n she will keep on giving u false hopes. n u will be the one worshipping her n doing everything for her. ur r/s will be one-sided. n then when she gets bored of u she will just up n leave you. n you'll get ur heartbroken.

so here i am rescuin myself.

Friday, September 26, 2003

i wrote her a letter. i dun think i will give it to her in the end. the letter is pure crap. oh well.

she wont appreciate a letter so for wat rite.

damn im scared. im really scared.
how can i be scared? i dunno. my god.

this is scary. i hate this. urgh. i already miss her. feel like crying. bitch la.

i doubt myself. i doubt everything.

end is forever
by the ataris

the time has come to say goodbye
to all our past regrets. I'm sorry to inform you
but I doubt you'll really ever understand.

friendships aren't built on false promises
I've failed without defeat.
in this game of disrespect
I'm a victim a small town tragedy.

here's the difference between you and I
I'll tell the truth and count my blessings
so thanks for all you've done
but I won't let you get the best of me.

you think I'm just a kid but
you don't fucking get it.
I'm strong in my conviction
and don't you forget it.

so many things are left unsaid
but I won't even waste my time
for us to go our separate ways
I hope you miss me when I'm gone.

friendships aren't built on false promises.
I've failed without defeat.
in this game of disrespect
I'm a victim of small town rivalry.

farewell to all my friends
with self respect intact.
nothing will last forever
never looking back.

end is forever.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

tomorrow will be the end.

i will be strong.

n i will give it to her.

i will.


i can't take it anymore.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

hey...

talked to edd n izz n j today. thanks for clearing my mind.

edd: thanks girl!!! thanks for putting new ideas in my head n letting me see things in a new perspective. i'll think about wat u said n work on improving the situation.

izz: thanks for being all evil n vulgarish. made me laugh. n yah i understand wat u said. n i shall try to work it out.

j: thanks for being the shoulder tt i can lean on babe. -hugs- u've always been a good listener. n today u didnt fail me. :)

i dunno wat is to happen now. but i shall try to work things out. even if it means i will get screwed over n lose her in the end. :) im willing to help myself!!!!!!!!!!!

to kiss or not to kiss...that is the question...hmmm...

the answer....

KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


gentle. light.
towards the east
she said.

hold me.
the vines wrapped around you.
if u could just see...
me.

as it shatters n breaks
new hopes formed.
to which only one man
can suffice to say
its mine.

to be great
to have u
a kiss
stolen
in the middle of the night

transformation
into a whole being
just two
people
amazed
we are...
one!

Monday, September 22, 2003

look into ur heart

and don't let those tears fall....
you know u want her to break your heart
n purposely spark it off...
then u say.. no i dun want u to break my heart
pls save me...

then u go back..
reality.
u love her so much u could cry.
to want.
to desire.
that has become u.
to be wanted.
to be desired.
u are to weak to be admired.

nothing of that sort can be bestowed upon u.
so live ur life.
unbeknownst to all u are dying inside.
so much for ice.
u are a woman scorned by love. n u hate ur guts.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

well i guess it is true...
when god shuts the door, he opens a window..haha

khai just forwarded me this mail..it has this pic of this two bears walking to each other n hugging. the phrase below it is " if u need a friend, i'll be just ard the corner" haha.. its the same pic lin sent to me as an ecard. haha.. precious memories.. that kinda made me smile. haha.. unknowingly...khai just knows wat i need. best frens for life. :) i love her...haha.. i love khai...my bestest buddy..muacks muacks.. haha..

im happy again.

ps. im ice girl!!!!!!

great...to make matters worse..

farha pun i dah tak leh dapat. she likes some guy.
best...
best...


its over la...

tts it..done deal dok..no more finding. i give up. celibate...

but here i am thinking abt sound of music.

"when god shuts the door, he opens the window."

argh fuck la..
shldnt have talked to feli just now. now feel like shit again.

oooh fuck. it was a pleasant conversation but it made me all riled up inside.
argh fuck.


i need to focus on other things!!!!!!!!!!!!!
like my studies!!!!!!!!!!!

dont forget ur aim...come on farah.. u can do this. dont be a bloody bugger. u're gonna ruin ur life jus cos ur questioning ur self worth n ur worth to others. u want to brutally kill urself?? go ahead. im not stopping u. but dont be a bitch. u know u got ur whole life waiting for you. so pick up your stuff n start doing work. bitch.

ookok....

wat i am going to do today
1. file my stuff
2. read respiration notes
3. try out chem qns on atomic structure
4. revise timetable
5. think of new ways to ensure that i stick to my study plan
6. have a self talk with myself
7. slap myself if i have to
8. pray j comes back soon

wat i am going to do tmr
1. get my math textbk n start planning my math timtable
2. start on some math topic
3. practice the math topic
4. follow my well planned timetable
5. do chem bonding + TYS
6. read genetics notes + TYS
7. find an appropriate place to study
8. slap myself silly
9. n pray tt my mind is not so messed up

hello....

me bored. talking to pali. poor girl is in the im questioning myself phase.
im listening.

got nothing much to say. a bit feelingless these days. just waiting for things to pan out. dunno if they will. ever. but hope they do. i'm blessed with so many ppl who love me. who like me. who want to be friends with me. but yet here i am still wanting that one thing that i can't have. i guess it is human nature. oh well. i havent msged her since wed. i wonder if she misses me. i dun thnk so. oh well. who cares. i dun really miss her all that much. just think its weird its all... yup. weird la... i mean one mth ago i met her everyday..now i dun even call her anymore to talk on the phone. so yah.weird... bah. miss the moments?? not really..cos i guess i dun have tt much propensity to feel..n i got new friends. got new ppl to get to know. ppl who will reciprocate watever i feel for them. n the r/s works both ways. so u feel good. thanks izz...j...n edd... thanks for making me happy... :)

Saturday, September 20, 2003

hey....
nabeh..
me damn sick.
do nothing the whole day but sleep.

went for dinner with mom n sis. nice. at sakuras. bought ankle socks. me want to buy new stuff. but dunno wat also. my mom want the roxy clip thing also. hehe.. sibuk. :P

GSF.
yupz...me want to be a member. but then again.. farha..melts...hehe...

GSF(girls schmirls foundation)
by mxpx

You didn't have to be so mean to me
I guess now I see how it's gonna be
I'm joining GSF, I've made up my mind
Forget this thing called love, it's a waste of time, waste of time

Girls ain't no good anymore, anyway
Not for one second have I understood
Why they do what they do, why they say what they say

Always happens to my friends, it always happens to me
It's taken me 19 years to finally see
She said, "Can we just be friends? It's just not workin' out."
Another broken heart that I can do without, do without

Girls ain't no good anymore, anyway
Not for one second have I understood
Why they do what they do, why they say what they say

hey....

today me so sick. im supposed to meet yan but i can't. so not feeling well. the sore throat im having is like gigando. dont even feel like talking. bluehz. its tt uncomfortable feeling u get when u have the flu. u know? yah. so ok la..

was watching pride n prejudice just now. well a bit anyways. really wish i was born in the 19th century. so nice. just sit there the whole day n do nothing. hehe..i wouldnt mind learning how to play the piano, sewing, writing letters to people,visiting people,having balls...so fun.. super cool...read..draw...walau...that's the life man. i havent written a story in a long time. haven't draw in a long time also. really got no time for my passions. n promos are coming....bluehz...

16 more days to promo. yucks!

Friday, September 19, 2003

Do ur feet hurt?
by MXPX

Can I call you sweetheart?
Or even babydoll?
If I had your number,
you'd be getting a phone call
Can I leave you a message on your machine
Letting you know that you're the bomb
and you blew up on me

**Are you anxious to see me
after your next class?
Do you care when I tell you
step around that broken glass?

Can I see you after you get out of school?
I won't even mind it if you treat me cruel
Take a ride on my Vespa, I'll take you home
I'll climb up to your window and read you a poem

repeat **

I know that you believe in the one true God above
and that's why you're waiting
for your one and only love
Do your feet hurt? Did you fall from heaven?
Cause you've been running through
my mind all day
My mind don't mind

I don't know what to say or do
I can't eat when I'm with you
Goodnight sweetheart I gotta go
And you won`t come to my next show

hey...
today i went out with izz... supposedly to study. haha.. k la..i did finish atomic structure. jadi la. i sat there at coffee club xpress...smelll the smoke..sneeze sneeze...haha... then i also smoke. tt kinda cleared my running nose. but then start again. oh well...then we play cards. i swear im the queen of taitee.hehe... :P had a gd time.. izz..u the bomb girl..!!!!!

n today saw vic in real life also. pretty. got to agree.hhee..too bad she got bf...waste..hehe...

ps. i am happy. thanks to all my pals... esp my new ones.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

hehe..today i had a good day. just got back. went out with j darling... edd sayang.. izz honey and syirah...hehe.. so much fun!!!!! we met at city hall then i sit there with them n we took lots of photos. then after tt go esplanade n sit there n stone. then i check out the fullerton hotel from a far, dreaming of farha. n took this photo of this hot ang moh lady who was like stretching. then when she notice i was taking photo of her she pose even more. haha. she damn hot la. hehe... glad we got photo of her. then we took more photos. haha..super fun. i'm so happy tt i go out with them today. they immediately chased all my blues away. thanks u guys. n izz must rub my butt some more. j also.hehe...can get turned on..woohoo... haha... n yah...i miss farha. she not online now. soon...soon.. hehe...

ps. i gonna miss j when she disappear for three days. boohoo... oh well.. still got izz and edd. :) n...hehe..farha.

i'm sitting here. waiting for her. to come online. but i think the only reason i am waiting is cos i want her to feel wat i feel. i want her to feel jealous. but when i think again. nope i cant do it. i cant. despite me getting over her n stuff. she is still my fren. n u dun do tt to ur frens.. oh well..

haha...

on to more interesting stuff...

i had a really nice menggataling session with farha. asked her if i got chance? then she say...can..but must que. haha.. que pun que la. i make sure i become the top of the que. told her how i felt. she says she happy. hehe.. i miss her so muchies sia. i wished i wasnt sick tt time. really want to see her face. haiz... cant believe i so stupid back then. why did i back down? shld have just gone for farha. tot she was still not over a certain someone but she was. stupid. stupid. at least i know with farha i can get a respond. hehe.. n she's so adorable. u can never get bored of adorable. or get pissed at adorable. n.. i like big butts n i cannot lie. farha got good butt!!!!! hehe... :P

haha.. been having a good time w/o her. does this mean i'm moving on? i think it is. surprisingly its quite painless. cept i just want to let her see that life does go on without her. despite me having spent all my time with her. :)

i love u felicia. i'm just sorry u didnt want to be mine.

my baby...

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

i'm such a weakling...haiyoh....

hey..finished eating my lunch.
went to the docs. never go sch. n here i am wasting my time. best la.
tot want to do some work. but im kinda drowsy. yah...

oh well...

must be the lunch.

me talking to farha now. hehe... miss her so muchies. i'm queing up for farha. hehe.. i think im gonna go for her la. she's so cute. i mean i've always had a crush on her. so why not move on?? yeah!!!!! yeah!!!

at the most i flirt la.haha...

kk today i go doc rite.then my doc is indian woman. her name is nirmala. so inspiring sia see her. first she girl. then she indian. so cool!!! i so want to be a doc!!!!!!! but i dun want to jinx my dream by teling everyone so i shall just say it here. this is a sign for me to work hard. i mean everywhere i go things n stories n watever r telling me to b a damn doc. i know i can do it!!!!! i'm smart enuff. yupz.

so i shall work hard yeah. who knows if i work hard enuff skali leh apply for S paper.haha.. who knows..u never know. everything is possible. yupz.

k... i shall go now. im sitting here not wearing shorts. haha.. in another one of my modern grandma panties. hehe... miss j sia... haha.. kk... n izz n edd..had fun yest.. :)

talking to myself

why do u sit here?
why do u forget ur goals and ur aims in life?
if u want to be someone then get up
get moving
do something
u know who u are
wat u want
and who u want to be
then work hard
do ur work
look at urself in the mirror
and say to urself
u can do this!!!
dun let others put u down
dun think of emotions
of love
of hearts and candies
cos they will take u no where
and they will never make u truly happy
cos u can only love when u get wat u want
when u become
someone u love.
so get up!!!!!!
get moving
say.. "FARAH U CAN FUCKING DO THIS!!!!!"

ps. dont forget who u want to be. work for it.

i am having major stomach ache. n its only 452pm. kao pei. cant stand this. i duno wats wrong with my stomach. just tt i know its damn pain.
urgh. but im ok. im surviving. its like someone is holding my stomach forward from the inside. im really tired from it.

but my mom wont let me skip sch. urh. i need to breathe.... my stomach really hurts.

im even feeling palpatations. argh fuck la.

why am i making a big fuss? im beginning to think im so AA. make a big fuss abt everythin. but c.. i try not to do it in front of other ppl. so maybe im not AA la. cos i only do it on my personal blog here. where only my close frens see it. argh..watever la.

this is my freaking blog. i'll say wat i want.

i'll think wat i want. abt who i want.

f loves f

ps. if i could take one day back... it would be the day i met lin. she has destroyed my life. she has made me a sappy weepy mushy fool...

Monday, September 15, 2003

fuck la.. i want to cut myself. cant believe after wat i said abt ppl cutting themselves i feel like cutting myself now.

this is no longer just abt getting rejected and not getting the one you want.

this is abt questioning who you are.

this is abt the fucking pain u feel inside. this is abt sorrow.

this is abt me.


not knowing myself....

hey.. in sch now. just felt like blogging so i skipped maths lect. my blog looks so weird on this comp. the fonts are so big. so ugly. urgh..who cares. my blog looks nice at home so tts enough for me.

today was not so bad. not yet anyways. just kinda have a stomach ache. feel like going home but i want to c j's bra cos i miss her so much. so i thk i shall stay in sch and do work. dunno if atie or fil are staying back. i hope they are. if not then maybe i go n meet j first or wat. dunno la.

and today didnt think too much abt feli. hah! who am i kidding? wat nonsense. doesn't it seem so weird that here i am at this time again moaning and whining abt some body tt i love. it feels like deja vu but it feels so real at the same time. i know how i feel. and i know its not fake. but wat i cant understand is why i can just grow up and let the feelings die down by itself. why must i be as if i have just fallen in love for the first time and am shy to all the things that love brings. why do i feel like i'm a virgin to love? broken hearted for the first time. and willling to risk it all despite all the lessons i've learnt. i feel so naive. but yah..i feel this way. i cant get rid of it in one day. and i wont. that will just mean tt i didnt love feli in the first place and wat i felt was bullshit. bcos its not. its not. i will live with it. and i will always feel it. but one day the feeling wont be as strong and it wont be as painful.

if she only loved me...

if....

f loves f.

....

just watched ER.
they didnt show the scene where sandy n kerry were in bed. so i suppose no kissing scene next wk. oh well. spore. wat do u expect. nvm. i know for sure ER is now out on DVD. must just go n find it. soon. soon. n im proud to know tt i played a part in helping ER come out on DVD. i mean i signed the petition. haha. cant believe our petition worked. cool yah. :)

oh welll.....
time to get back to my karangan. tonites gonna be on long nite.

f&f.

i love you felicia.

ER is starting in 25 mins.

i dunno why but i feel pain deep inside. guess this is getting over rejection.
guess this is trying to get over someone you love. trying ur hardest to think that you guys are just friends.
that what you feel inside your heart is just bullshit.

she says let it be. let the feelings be??? are you crazy??

knowing me the feeling will grow and grow and it will explode until one day i just want to die cos i can't have you. that is how much i can love someone. i know the meaning of true love thanks to lin. and now i know that what i feel for her. what i feel for my baby is real. what i would do for her. what i would sacrifice. there is no point putting it in words.

and i know we can be nothing more than friends. bcos of the fact that she is straight. but i dunno why...i am hopeful tt one day she will love me too. maybe tts why i dont want to stop loving her. i dont care if she knows how i feel. i wont hide it from her. i dont care if she knows my desires. and if she knows everything. cos i cant hide anythng from her. so im letting this out. im screaming it out loud...

I LOVE YOU FELICIA FERNANDEZ!!!!!!!

i'll scream it to every fucking idiot i know. i can't deny it. it hurts too much to hide it.

maybe tts the pain i feel inside??

n maybe the other pain is the fact that i know she will break my heart. how long can she stand me? how long can she keep quiet? when i am laying all my cards on the table. isn't she scared? lin ran away so fast tt i couldn't catch up. wat makes her any different?? wat makes feli b there for me despite knowing that i love her with all my heart? and that all i want is for her to be mine. i dont care if i fail my promos. i dont care if i get screwed by the whole world. i dont care abt wat ppl might say. and i dont care abt god. yes! i am tt bad. n i am tt in love.

i might not say it. not like i used to. but i do feel it. i know it. i feel it. i can't deny it. i love her. is that a sin?

and here i am waiting for her to break my heart. and i feel like screaming at her to do it soon. b4 the pain increases and then i am left with nothing. slap my face. hurt me. say mean things. please!!!!!! please. i just want you to hurt me. hurt me. so that the pain i feel inside will seem real. please baby. please hurt me. so tt when i get hurt i can run away from you. cos i don't have tt kind of power. cos i am not strong enough to run away from you on my own.

i just need to run away from u so tt i can recover. then i'll be strong to come back to you. and then we can be friends again. if that is possible. and if its not at least i know n u know that i don't love you anymore and that i have moved on. rather than me hanging on a string..still waiting for the day you will love me back.

please hurt me so that the pain i feel inside will seem real. please...i am beggin you.

i love you so much feli. i love you.

damn... hurt me.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

i am cheating.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

baby..this is from me to you.. remember? we played hangman??

Do You Miss Meaning Everything To Me?
by Audio Karate

It doesn't seem to matter what you say
You will never feel the same
It doesn't seem to matter what you do
I will fall in love with you

And everyday I think we grow apart
I guess I saw this from the start
I guess I knew that you and I won't be
It doesn't mean that I can't dream about you

I think about you still
You complete a part of me
I never knew I had to fill
I'd give you anything
Like the times I'd sing on the phone to you
Was not the easiest thing to do
You know it's true, you know it could have been this way
And I swear by my heart
There is nothing on earth that won't keep us apart

And all I have, I swear I'll give to you
All that I say, you and I will begin this way
When you fall in love with me

It doesn't seem to matter what I say
You will never be the same
It doesn't seem to matter what you do
I will fall in love with you
And everyday I wonder how you feel
If your sincerity is real
I took the time, I softly called your name
I know I should've screamed instead

Do you miss meaning everything to me?
'Cuz not a day goes by
If I had kissed you it just might
Have changed our destiny
'Cuz we were meant to be
I'm standing on one knee
Won't you please just marry me?
You know its true
You know it should have been this way

And I swear on my heart
There is nothing on earth that will keep us apart
And all I have, I swear I give to you
All that I say,
You and I will begin this way if you fall in love with me
Like I fell in love with you

Doesn't mean that I can't dream
You say you were on your way
Make it all come true
Swear to God I'd die for you
And give you anything
Like a memory
And all the times we've had
No, I'd never take it back
You know it's true
You know it should have been this way

And I swear by my heart
There is nothing on earth that won't keep us apart
And all I have I swear I give to you
All that I say
You and I would begin this way
If you fell in love with me

Friday, September 12, 2003

i love my baby.

haha..im talking as if she's mine.

ah fuck la..who cares. this is my blog. n i want to prasan my business la.

had a great time as always.

f&f

ps. i'll buy u the world if i could. and you could trust me with your life cos i will protect you with mine.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

haha....

i had a good day today.

wake up at 11. then stomach ache. couldnt meet farha. so studied at home la. did only natural selection. walau...one day study one notes. best la... great progress la this way. tmr must be more hardworking. definitely!!!!! yay!

then ard 3 like tt su came my place. hah...read abit then we both end up trying out clothes n watching hindi movie. its damn useless la our "studying"....haha... but it was great tt su came my house. i think today is come to farah's house day. must be la. hehe...

after tt i leave with su cos i got to meet feli. then major confusion. dunno wat la...we like playin hide n seek. finally found feli. haha.. then walk pass watsons n she suddenly say she wanna dye her hair. bagus la tu..haa...buy the dye then immediately go to my hse. best la.. so much for studying. then had a fun time dying her hair. n now its VOLCANIC RED. haha... its damn red la. wonder how it will turn out when its dry. urgh..had a good time with my baby. wish the day wont end so fast. i l*v* my baby..haiz.. u know i find running my hands thru her hair so erotic. hmm... haha...shldn't say tt.
send her to the interchange after like blowdrying her hair n everything. haha.. feli likes me sister. says fahimah is cute..hmm...haha...argh wish baby's bus didnt come so fast. i havent even got chance to talk to her. had to kiss her bye alredy. argh... haha... okok...i will listen to khai. keep ur feelings separate. okok..will do...i l*v*e her.

f&f

Science Fiction
by Rufio

These are the whispers that you hear inside your mind.
Subtle yet forceful they are tearing at your side.
She can't see, and I can't believe she's falling.
But I will be there helping when you call on me.
Prove it to the world you're perfect, your choking on your pride.
Gonna kill yourself believing in these beautiful lies.
Don't believe this science fiction, tale of beauty and perfection.
You are more than ordinary it's time to take this blindfold off your eyes.

There's more to life than all the beauty that they sell.
Why must we always try to look like someone else?
She can't see, and I can't believe she's falling.
But I will be there helping when you call on me.
Prove it to the world you're perfect, your choking on your pride.
Gonna kill yourself believing in these beautiful lies.

Don't believe this science fiction, tale of beauty and perfection.
You are more than ordinary it's time to take this blindfold off your eyes.
Beautiful lies, are all she's ever known...
Beautiful lies, are all she's ever known...
Beautiful lies, are all she's ever known...
Beautiful lies, are all she's ever, are all she's ever known...

Don't believe this science fiction.
Tale of beauty and perfection.
You are more than ordinary it's time to take this blindfold off your eyes...

today did nothing much. went to library to study. n haha..as i had felt it in the train, i saw feli there. i thk u know wat..i have this uncanny connection with the person i'm in love with. come on la. i could feel lin coming a mile away. i still remember at tbp n i had this strong feeling i'd meet her. well same thing. did of course meet feli. damn strong ah my feeling. best la.

k watever la eh.

then we went to eat at BK. well feli ate. me n su puasa. then after tt instead of studying i end up playing some stupid game with feli. then i set beside her and it took me so hard not to just grab her and kiss her. urgh. oh man. i want her so bad.

then after tt ros n j came back from their haircut thing. then we all upped n went to go play pool. then i teach ros how to play pool. she quite good sia. not bad... ros terror!!!

then after tt feli dah nak go back. so sad. i miss her so much sia. then hug n kiss her as usual. and yah i have good taste. just look at feli. so chio. haiz... hmm...haiz... so chio...haiz.. i really..really.. l*v* her sia.. i cant say it. no never admit it. but i feel it. i do. i do.. i want to be with her for all eternity. if eternity is tt long. haiz... i l*v* u my baby.. muacks.. nites...

f & f.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

the taste of purple
of black and white
of iridescent skies
is more than what anyone can take.

to face heartbreak is
inexplicable.
to see your eyes filled with tears is
torturous.
that doesnt mean i would go astray.

to wipe away all traces of you is
impossible.
and i could never be clean from stains.
no one can take you from me
as i keep you close
near
wrapped around that which we call life
without which nothing circulates
and feelings cease to exist.

and im still fine
still awake at 5
still moaning for you
still wanting to kiss you every night
and if i can't have half of which i say
i will take my life away.
or at least i will try-
to not be alive while my body works overtime.

beautiful i tell u... shakespeare is damn beyoutiful...cept for RnJ...urgh two torturous years...yucks.. :P
thank god its over...

man i miss lit lesson with lin...

haha can still remember shafiza saying to her after reading abt the pig being "raped" and then there was a lot of mention of black n pink, "so...now we know black and pink are horny colours...hmmm" then rite there and there she was wearing a pink top, black pants and a black cardigan with a black tudung...haha... best la!!!!! oh man.. lin... yum yum... great ass... oh man.. haha.. thanks for everything. and yeah im senget. yup... u had a big part to play in there... but i guess once in your life you will kinda fall for someone of the same sex. but i guess some do it more than others..hehe... :P

oh lin... haiz... how sad... at least we could have been friends. but i guess i will still love you more than you love me. so maybe no... i really am beginning to want nothing..i mean if i cant have everything might as well have nothing. so yah..tts my approach with feli. if we are hi n bye friends then well i thk its better cos i dun think i can live with this wanting in my heart and in my body and in my soul. i want her tt much. and i dun think we can ever be the best of friends at this rate. cos wat i do for her will always be in hope tt one day she will see that she can love me. and well...we know she cant. then i'll just end up being used and being treated like dirt. kinda like wat is happening now. hmm... interesting concept yah... SO YAH.... I WANT NOTHING. I DON"T WANT YOU FELI IF I CAN"T HAVE YOU COMPLETELY.

hey....

up damn early la. fasting and all. my head kinda hurts. a bit only la.

William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing
Act Two, Scene Three

The Song

Sigh no more ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea, and one on shore,
To one thing constant never,
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe,
Into hey nonny nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,
Of dumps so dull and heavy,
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leavy,
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all sounds of woe,
Into hey nonny nonny.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

just realised tt i havent finished my bio molecules..oh well.. watever la.. im a bum...

but no!!!!!!!!
i know i can do this!!!!!!!
i still got thre more weeks!!!!!!
i can do this!!!!!!!


i can!!!!!!!!!

everything is in my hands. yup!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!!!

AUGUST IN BETHANY
by The Juliana Theory

with the sounds of the ocean crashing 7:30
friday evening
everything comes tumbling down
i choke back each tear that bleeds
i'd rather rest forever in your arms
i'd rather stay here than go
but i know that i should leave
as i sit here helpless

don't go
you said you wouldn't
you said you couldn't

i think of our time together
is it fading
am i dreaming
everything you said lives on
i cherish our memories
i want to kiss your tears away
tonight it's hard to give up the one you never thought you'd leave

don't go
your eyes see through my soul
don't go you say
as i walk out your door.

oh yah one more thing... this is wat i said to pali abt feli...

"im like i dun need any frens who is like u know shady..i have enuff frens who love me n im blessed. so if ur not gonna be there then its ok...i dun need u..."

so yah...this is a reminder to me. so i wont be so upset. thank god im kinda dead inside.

allow me to highlight an example tt i find so refreshing and so true to wat i am going thru right now. this story( an exerpt from the summary of Kim n Kerry from ERs love saga that broke into pieces) n the bits in bold will highlight wat i am thnking abt feli....


The little things that Kim said and did showed her consideration for the woman she was falling for. When Kerry's glasses broke and she had to wear contacts, Kim took the opportunity to notice and compliment her.

Kim and Kerry were dining at a cozy little table for two. The lights were low. Here, we got to see how each woman brought out more private qualities in the other. Kerry became loud and animated, gesturing wildly and laughing hysterically as she told a funny story. Kim's more serious, sensitive side, as she told a sad one, gave us a different perspective of her. We learned that Kerry had been married and divorced.

We also learned that this was their second dinner together. As Kim picked up the tab, she casually commented that this might be considered a date. Kerry, unnerved, admitted that she knew Kim was a lesbian, but stammered through denying her own growing feelings for Kim. "You know, I'm really very flattered.. I mean, I got sure.. You're such a beautiful woman." She was stricken. "You're so beautiful. But I'm straight. I mean, I don't, I'm straight.

"Okay."

"Oh, God.. Oh, my God! I don't know.. I don't know what.. I mean, I'm sorry. I just, I don't.. I feel very.. um.. You know what? I just.. I mean I guess I never even really considered this."

Back at work, Kerry called for a psych consult, and took the opportunity to present Kim with a Christmas gift.
After Kim opened the gift, a first-edition copy of a book she liked, she found Kerry and commented that the book was probably too expensive. When Kerry shrugged it off, because she liked to spend money on her "friends," Kim got upset. She told Kerry that she didn't need any more friends, that given her attraction to Kerry, friendship would be too difficult.
Kerry still wasn’t ready to admit it, so Kim leaned in and kissed her, directly on the lips. Kerry kissed back, before pulling away, confused, but clearly confused because she enjoyed it.

Kim reaffirmed that she could not be Kerry's friend.


there is more to this saga. if anyone is interested go to http://www.weavered.com/kkhistory.html to find out more.

but this is wat i think. considering the situation i dun thk i can ever truly be frens with feli. cos i will always feel this way. i will. nothing she has done has gotten rid of it. as for the kim n kerry saga, i dun thk feli can ever at least for a bit n for a little while feel the same for me. n even if she did i dont thk she can ever come out. n i dun want my gurl to be behind the closet abt herself and abt my r/s with her just like kerry did in ER. anways im just dreaming. so back to the kim n kerry saga...yah..it relates to me. go read.

im so hungry.
im supposed to be fastin. i mean i am fasting la. but i didnt wake up to eat so now im like major hungry. my stomach hurts like hell.
and in a few seconds i shall start on my bio. today i shall be learning abt water. haha. i hate bio. depressing subject.watever la. boring.
today i shall just stay home. too tired to go out. n later go temptation to buy all sorts of things. no no. somemore now i broke. so no la. i shall just stay home.

and i am on my way to find wat i call happiness. its not a true illusion. just keep ur goals small. and today's goal will be..... to finish my bilogical molecules. yay!!!!! yipee. best. power. haha... n i gonna make pretty mind maps too. just to make sure its easier to remember later on. really. haha.. see how la. hehe... :P

kk... i will not take wat izyan said abt me going ahead n just fall in love with hasan and sacrifice my frens for love. she say tt if irma is my true fren then she willl understand. but no. hasan is not even doign anything. hasnt even told me he likes me. but however he does go ard telling everybody else. bagus la tu. but anyways i find hasan a damn bore. n i cant be bothered. frends first sia. if only feli will understand tt. tt she will always be my frend first so she dun have to act awkward. watever la. nonsense. fine. leave her be. i got better things to do. n better ppl to love. yupz.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

pls say u love me
before the day has gone

pls say u cld care for me
just to make me feel tt im not alone

if that is more than enough
why can't u just say it? just a bit

pls dun lead me to the abyss
dun push me off that cliff

even if u do
i still wont find u guilty.

and if ur heart is breaking bcos of me
and if u find me evil

then pls think of me
n my broken heart

cos there is no tape or glue
that can mend it-- urs still can be saved

and dun rush into anything
think before u do it

i will try to do the same
to not kiss you

to not love you
i'll just cry in shame.

dun say anymore
no more than wat u can say

just say one last thing for me.
say u love me. heart and soul.
forever. i will be deceived.

Friday, September 05, 2003

how could i be so stoopid
things are too plenty to say
but can i say one thing.
NWO sucks.

i cant take it.
they have turned against me.

just now haekal told me... i shall quote him "aku cakap direct eh. kita orang tak suka rambut ko la."

wat the fuck is that supposed to mean? does this mean tt when hasan said i was lawah it was all a lie?

i hate NWO. i hate them!!!!!

can u believe it that i was actually affected by wat the guys said??
i actually went to the toilet with fil and broke down. im so confused abt myself. i just want to run away and hide. how can one person kill ur spirit so fast? how can it happen tt quick?

why don't i think tt i am pretty?

not even on the inside anymore.

im sucha loser.

help!

ps. thanks fil.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

hey.... guess wat i did???
haha...
i went to cut my hair. best la!

exciting. hehe. i cut it like how it was during prom tt time. so now i can spike my hair. wonder wat pp will think but actually i don't care. cos i know my hair is so cool. now i am gonna pick up myself. this is the new me. this is me now. and i will be the best tt i can be. i am gonna work so bloody hard. and as for me being a butch...

haha... i think maybe haha... i think i shall dress the way i want. even with tapered pants. haha... yes j!!! tapered pants! haha.. but no la. think i become butch also cuter.

i think this is just me trying to be something else cos even when i think i am this beautiful as a girl...no one can love me. thats why. i think i just need to know that i can hide away. but nO! i will not. if i become a butch then well it will only be because that is who i really am. and rite now i know im not. a tomboy maybe. but butch no la. so yah...i will wear wat i feel like wearing. just as long i love myself then that is ok. even if i dun get the girls i want. :P

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Ye dagh dagh ujala, ye shab-gazida sahar
Vo intizar tha jis ka, ye vo sahar to nahin,
Ye vo sahar to nahin jis ki arzu lekar
Chale the yar ke mil-jaegi kahin na kahin
Falak ke dasht men taron ki akhiri manzil
Kahin to hoga shab-e sust mauj ka sahil
Kahin to jake rukega safina-e-gham-e-dil


TRANSLATION:

This leprous daybreak, dawn night's fangs have mangled-
This is not that long-looked-for break of day,
Not that clear dawn in quest of which those comrades
Set out, believing that in heaven's wide void
Somewhere must be the stars' last halting-place
Somewhere the verge of night's slow-washing tide,
Somewhere an anchorage for the ship of heartache.


Taken from Pankaj Mishra's The Romantics

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

i am undone.
i told her everything.
abt the way i feel.
n i know now tt i have no chance at all.
she is super str8.
n i have had it with falling in love.
yes...love.
never again.
never the freaking again.
i am paranoid.
but i hope my paranoia does not become reality. cos i wont be able to handle it.
not to be pushed away again.
n have ur heart ravaged. stepped on.
thrown away like a pile of shit.
cos hey...guess wat u are shit. damn lover!

Monday, September 01, 2003

hah!!!!
she finally msged me. so wat am i to make of this??
does this mean we are ok??
does this mean i shld just keep on running away from the problem?
and what i feel for her deep inside?and the desires i so deperately want to release?
she said she want to tell me some ghost story. so i layan her la for a bit. then after tt i stopped replying to her sms.
oh well...

i still dunno wat to make of this. here i am worried to death about her and she just shows up n things are ok again? no way man.. i need to talk to her abt everything. n abt how i feel. n about wat was the problem... i need to... i know i do. im sick of running away.

the broken hearted

beHaiN
isyah
j
kei
khai
juli =)
leilani
loi
sharain
tiff



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